Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I have these phases sometimes where I think I am a terrible lawyer/mother/[fill in blank]. Heck, I cannot even get organised enough with my own life, and my house is a mess even though I have to nannys to help me get my act together. I am probably also a terrible employer for making my nannys do stupid things like look for my missing docs at home.
It's a little crazy because I've been so careless (it's a fatal flaw of mine). Except that this is no greek tragedy, but my life we are talking about...and I am looking everywhere for some important personal documents I have misplaced. Also think I have recently submitted professional work - although I haven't committed malpractice or anything, but it just doesn't match up to my own internal quality control, so I am really angry at myself right now. These are mistakes that I don't expect myself to have made, and I wonder being 30 weeks pregnant is giving me baby-brain?!
So yes, I am having ONE OF THESE WEEKS.... where everything is just not working properly for me. The part that drives me nuts is that I think I am usually fairly organised, so it really is a build-up of small errors and over-sights which explode into a perfect storm certain days.
I think I am being melodramatic by the way. I have many many things to be thankful and happy about. But today is just not one of those days to celebrate it.
I think I need to take a deep breath and say "okay, even the storms in our life are beautiful". But that involves a maturity and calm which I definitely do NOT have !!
** Post script for the concerned people that are asking why I am being plagued by self-doubt as a parent: It's because I am trying to decide how long of maternity leave I should ask for. Company policy allows me to take one year off, but that would throw the work/family/life balance out of sync.
The only way to teach the lesson is to walk the talk, and I want Sophie (and our other kids) to understand that even if chasing this elusive equilibrium is very hard (and it is even more difficult if you choose to have biological question), then you must pursue it if you believe that it is a good thing.
At least my husband is pretty lovely. He even bought flowers - so I know he recognises that I am having a really bad day/week!